so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
