You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
