How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
