the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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