Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
