I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
