five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
