Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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