When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
