i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
