So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
