Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
