So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
