She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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