I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
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I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
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Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment