I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?