we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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