you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
