From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
