This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
