I will die if light touches me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
