dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
