you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Vodka?
Forever.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
