1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
