If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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