Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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