So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
