remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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