I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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