yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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