I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
