it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
