I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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