11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
