I wannas sexs uuuuu
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
