I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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