god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
last night I used snow as a chaser
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
