I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize