The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
