I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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