The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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