even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
