can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
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He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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