The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
