hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
