I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
