so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
