I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I have feelings that need drinking.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
