I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
