The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
