don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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