I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
