Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
