You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
