I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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