I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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