We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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