Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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