Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
do herpes really smell.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
