dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
