if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
