Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
