My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
